It is a little late to be up but I just have so much to say.
As soon as I start typing it is like all the hussel and bussel in my head suddenly vanishes..
I do not know how I feel about the new year. Because for once it means more than a night that I stay out late and have a good time. For once, it is the opportunity to end and start all over. Thanks to the atonement I can do that anytime, but for some reason the year 2013 stings. It stings because I have grown so much this year. I have had so many big events happen that it hurts it is over. This year I fell in love for my first time, this year I defeated the end of my senior year and graduated, this year I spent my summer in love with the man of my dreams, this year I moved out and started life on my own, this year I stepped into Utah Valley University with my head held high and my dreams ready to take flight, this year I had my heart smashed and vaporized, this year I learned to stand on my own two feet and love myself, I learned who I am this year and what I want, this year I lost my hero Bob Koch (my grandpa/best friend), this year I made friends who have changed who I am for the better, and this year I have learned that the atonement can really take all pain. Even the pain caused from losing loved ones. I am a daughter of a king, and I need to look at the new year in the eye and be brave. I can do this! I can let go of this year and have faith for the year to come. I will love again and achieve greatness.
Here is another one of my guilty pleasures, Alicia Cards poems, because I loved it so much.
While the reason I began this blog was for the sole purpose of my communications class, not that I did not ever want a blog but not one about a dedicated topic like working out... Working out is a passion of mine hands down but I just do not find that any of my workouts are all that interesting or worth while to write about. So this post is a little unusual to this themed blog. This will be rather something similar to a vent. I need to just vent.. and let all my hot air out. After months of holding on to a hopeless hope I finally got the courage and strength to let go. Now this was not an easy task by all means but I had a lot of help! As Alicia Card one of my friends wrote a poem on her blog about it and this is something that was really helpful to me. This is one of the most beautiful poems ever.
"To let go doesn't mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to Allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness which means,
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another.
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix.
But to be supportive to let go is not to judge but to
allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle.
Arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective.
It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to become the best I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less.
Trust in God more, and freely give the love he's given to me."
The pain and patience that I went through during the last couple months of my life have become something I am so grateful for. Those experiences as well as the ones that have come to follow are building blocks to me reaching my full potential. These have also helped me to learn a lot so I can help others going through similar situations.
Letting go has created this new freedom for me, one were I can smile, laugh, breathe and really enjoy life. I can now feel how awesome I am and not base it off of someone else's feelings for me.
I am now enjoying dating again and meeting new people. Motivation to work and do well in school has struck my soul hard. I want to travel to learn and gain experience, not to run away anymore. My desire to date is not to fill my time so I'm not thinking about him but to meet someone new that I can give my love to.
With that being said, I use to think there was never going to be another that great. He is an extraordinary man that I will always love and respect. However ...(: I was absolutely wrong. There are others, who are incredible. And it is possible to love someone else.....
So..
I met this man, we can name him Phillip.
Phillip came from literally no where. We have really kinda no mutual friends. We have no classes together. We simply have the same major which causes us to cross paths in the hall when our timing is right time to time. I really had never noticed him before November 14. I guess supposedly he had noticed me often by my smile in the hall but never had the courage to speak with me until that glorious Wednesday of November 14.
Phillip and I passed on a flight of stairs in the LC at UVU. It was one of those moments where you make eye contact and smile at each other but keep walking. You both think to yourself, " Wow that person was super attractive. I really wish I knew them. Too bad my life is not a movie, therefore I will never see them again." and then you continue on walking as if nothing had ever happened. You usually tend to forget about it within minutes.
Phillip on this unusual day made my day one like no other. He made it a movie day. I passed him again right before the stairs walking into the LA. This time he stopped and got my number. We have been on two dates since then (both super fun) I really am curious to see where this goes. I hope more than anything it works out. Its so scary because I am so fragile right now and he is the first to make me twitter-patted since him. It doesn't help that Christmas is the most romantic holiday and there will be so much room this next month for growth.
Welp, I guess we will find out soon enough how lucky I am or if it is too good to be true!
Entwined All that we are is defined By each-other's shipwrecked hearts And I shiver to think What would have been If I wouldn't have seen you in time Would we pass by
Like parachutes and air balloons Or satellites and lonely moons We'd still be drifting far apart But thank the stars we are entwined
